Leviticus 18:19:

Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness.

A new version was created by flyingsloths 28 days ago

Check your hoes to see if they be clean and std free.

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Mark 1:25:

And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him.

A new version was created by bibleboy 28 days ago

And Jesus rebuked him, saying, Hold thy penis, and come all over him.

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2 Samuel 20:8:

When they were at the great stone which is in Gibeon, Amasa went before them. And Joab's garment that he had put on was girded unto him, and upon it a girdle with a sword fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out.

A new version was created by Anonymous 28 days ago

When they were at the great stone which is in Gibeon, Amasa went before them. Some dumbass had his sword stuck to his package and all of a sudden it fell off and chopped his twig and berries clean off.

Exodus 12:11:

And thus shall ye eat it; with your loins girded, your shoes on your feet, and your staff in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the LORD's passover.

A new version was created by Anonymous 28 days ago

And thus shall ye shall eat it; with your junk stuck on a steel girder, your shoes on your feet, and your cock in your hand; and ye shall eat it in haste: it is the LORD's passover.

Genesis 22:3:

And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

A new version was created by destiney About 1 month ago

And Abraham rose up early in the morning (without an alarm clock no less), and saddled his ass (not his drunken brother), and took two of his young men (his young men?) with him, and Isaac his son (little Abe'), and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

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Deuteronomy 23:2:

A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

A new version was created by destiney About 1 month ago

Those unlucky enough to be from broken homes need not apply. This includes your grandchildren and your grandchildren's grandchildren, on down the line, just like Klingon dishonor.

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1 Corinthians 14:34:

Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law.

A new version was created by Anonymous About 1 month ago

Yo, all you loud-mouth bitches.. Just STFU, or else!

Genesis 2:7:

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

A new version was created by phurley About 1 month ago

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul. And then the LORD God said déjà vu, didn't I do this last chapter?

Comments: 1

Luke 19:27:

But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me.

A new version was created by destiney About 1 month ago

On second thought, you should _not_ love your enemies, but instead kill them, and do it in front of me. Forget all that stuff about "thou shalt not kill, and thou shalt love thine enemies", I was clearly mistaken.

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Deuteronomy 7:23:

But the LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed.

A new version was created by destiney 2 months ago

God will tattle-tale.. then destroy.

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The First Book of Moses, called Genesis 1:1:

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

A new version was created by nathanr 2 months ago

bang!

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Numbers 21:9:

And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Moses wields his +2 magic serpent-pole against anyone's serpent bites, saving their lives.

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John 14:12:

Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Listen closely, if you believe in me, the miracles I can do, you can do too, and even bigger and better miracles; because my Dad is the man and stuff. These miracles may or may not include walking on water, healing the blind, and/or raising the dead. Void where prohibited.

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Leviticus 11:20:

All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

A long time ago some birds had four legs, meanwhile evolution is still a myth.

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Proverbs 15:10:

Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Rewriting verses of the bible is a good thing: anyone who disagrees sucks.

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Psalm 23:4:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

A new version was created by ShawnM 3 months ago

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy cock and thy balls they comfort me.

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Exodus 23:4:

If thou meet thine enemy's ox or his ass going astray, thou shalt surely bring it back to him again.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

You are your sibling's keeper.

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The Second Book of Moses, Called Exodus 31:15:

Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day is a sabbath of solemn rest, holy to Jehovah: whosoever doeth any work on the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Whosoever doeth any work on the sabbath day will surely miss any available in-network NFL games.

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Judges 15:16:

And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass have I slain a thousand men. I am a murderer.

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Psalm 137:9:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Happy shall the psychopath be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.

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Deuteronomy 25:12:

Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Then thou shalt cut off her hand, and from hence forth she shall be called Lefty.

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Revelation 13:18:

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

A new version was created by destiney 3 months ago

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is 666.

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Leviticus 20:9:

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him.

A new version was created by ShawnM 3 months ago

For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put in time out: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his discipline wrought of humiliation and boredom.

Comments: 1

Job 2:2:

And the LORD said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.

A new version was created by Anonymous 3 months ago

And the LORD said unto Satan, sup.. And Satan answered the LORD, and said, yo.